Once in a while something comes along…

blaand“Fallachan – superior Scotch Blaand”

I’ll admit, when I set eyes in this I really hadn’t a clue as to what the hell I was looking at. Thankfully the back label had a nice long description of this abominable drink.

This is what it said:

“Blaand, a fermented whey drink made in remote parts of Scotland for centuries, was first introduced by the vikings. Shetland fishermen took casks of blaand to sea. Production was a domestic affair onindividual farms. Even during the 19th century. Temperence movement fermentation continued as blaand was considered medicinal. As cheese and butter making declines in the 1940’s and 1950’s, production of blaand was abandoned: it became Scotland’s forgotten drink.”

“Fallachan is a scots word meaning ‘hidden treasure’ – appropriate fora drink which deserves rediscovery. It is made using traditional methods, matured in oak casks and bottled on the farm.”

It goes on to recommend the drink with cheese, pudding or as an aperitif.

Well, what can I say about blaand?

Firstly, I really liked the nose – It had that distinctive, slightly sweet, dairy farm dung smell you get from a good red Burgundy (blaand is a white wine) – a smell I love in wine. It had a richness of warm milk, smooth solvently aroma of femented grass, and a touch of fresh strawberries. There’s also a tiny hint of broccoli and brown sauce – I am known for unusual tasting notes, so this is a good thing.

The palate? Oh dear, the palate…

It’s bitter – not in the good fresh lime way. Remember when your mum told you not to make faces because when the wind changes it’ll stick? If the wind changes now, Gurning World Champion 2010 is a sure thing. After that, burnt sawdust (also a good thing, but not in this instance) and toasty popcorn (again, a good thing – if you’re drinking whisky).

Unfortunately, things did not get better. There was a big old whack of sour milk closely followed by, what I can only describe as, a mouthful of salty burning diarrhoea and milky vomit.

The label said “Superior Scotch Blaand” – the inferior stuff must be brutal!

This drink is good for three things:

1) People you hate. I don’t mean objectionable drunks on the train, or the really annoying guy at work telling eveybody how great his weekend was because he “scored”. This is for people to whom you want to cause serious, lasting, harm.

2)Killing brain cells. After just a few sips…um…

3)Killing brain cells…

Naturally I didn’t finish it, it’s a school night.